Counting down the days until the release of the new Guns-n-Roses CD “Chinese Democracy,” I have decided to bid you HH as Slash. It has taken so long to produce this record that China has, in fact, embraced democracy. Of course, a record that takes over 10 years to make comes with a lot of high expectations to which it cannot possibly live up. Add to the fact that a song from the record will be used in the new James Bond movie, “Quantum of Soul Food” and you have a recipe for unfavorable backlash.  Back to me, though. I’m not sure if I look more like Slash or Jeff Lynne of ELO fame. Who cares as long as I get loads of FREE candy!

Her Mims and I will be tricks and treating dressed as Guitar Hero. Hope the neighbors have plenty of Snickers (so satisfying!) and Ketel One (even more satisfying!). Oh, and I hope they’re not mad that I’ve been planting Palin 2012 signs in their yards. I thought Halloween was supposed to be scary. Call me crazy.

Hats off to the Philadelphia Phillies for winning their second World Series in franchise history. I wish I could have attended today’s parade and joined all the Philadelphians who were booing them for not winning more.

Here at LePhilistine, we generously give our time and treasure to expose our friends (“my friends”) to the world of Indie rock in all of its iterations. We buy their records to review them. We buy tickets to their shows. And until the FCC stepped in, we used to spin their wax on Radio Philistine. All we usually ask for in return from the artists that we promote is a picture with a member of our editorial board. Over the years we’ve taken pictures with some of the bigger names in the rock and roll, as well as sports and politics. So we’re starfuckers. Excuuusssse meeeeee! That is why Mark Kozelek’s paranoid refusal to have his picture taken with us was so striking. I couldn’t help leaving his disappointing show thinking, “What a dick!”

First of all, for Kozelek’s entire career he has recorded as either Red House Painters or Sun Kil Moon. So should he really have been surprised that hardly anyone showed up to see “Mark Kozelek” on a Tuesday night at a small club. Of course that didn’t stop him from whining about the sparse crowd. However, what was particularly odd was his complaint that there weren’t any black people in the “crowd.” I really have a hard time believing his music has any following among people of color as it barely has a following among the pale and pasty faced.

Still, after he wrapped up his paltry set of somewhere between 7 or 9 songs he menanced the audience who stuck around to finish their drinks. He growled about merchandise sales, and when I approached him for a photo he literally yelled, “I don’t do that!” Huh? Vampire? Native American? Asshole? You bet. I bought a copy of his latest CD “April” even though I already owned one because this version had a bonus CD. When I approached him to autograph it, he pointed at my camera and shouted, “What’s that?” Now granted, my camera comes with a black shroud and a plate of gun powder, but still he should know what photography equipment looks like. Any way, he signed “MK” on the disc and that was it.

Blame it on the youthful drug dependency or the dead girlfriend/muse, whatever the excuse, Mark Kozelek was a dick.

Country music Hall of Famer, Charlie Louvin, however, was as classy a gent as an 81-year old legend can be. Opening for the Old 97s, Charlie and his band rocked the boat. Sometimes credited with being the inspiration for Alt-Country, Charlie played a set of classic Louvin Brother tunes as well as some new ones. Though he was extremely hard of hearing, he didn’t mind posing for snapshots. When I asked him for a picture, he said, “I got a girl here somewhere. She might have a camera.” Excellent! Hard to believe, but in the 50’s Elvis Pressley opened for this guy. Elvis opened for him and he didn’t mind posing for a picture with a fan.

Maybe someday Charlie Louvin can beat the snot out of Mark Kozelek and teach him a lesson on fan appreciation. Is that asking too much?

Wow. History is not going to be kind to the presidential candidacy of one John Quincy McCain. This has been an entire campaign of Dukakis in the tank moments. Of Bob Dole falling off of a stage still clutching his pen highlights. Of Dan Quayle struggling to spell potato.

A conspiracy theorist might be lead to believe that the GOP threw this fight. Hell, the country is in such a mess that 85% of the public says we’re heading in the wrong direction. I won’t quible about the Earth’s rotation being fixed, but that’s still a lot of people. Hey, would you want to take over this job? Me neither. Let the Dems take a crack at it and see if they can fix it. Come back in eight years and fight communism.

Still, one has to wonder about the constantly changing positions of the camp McCain. The fixation with William Ayers, the not-so-radical education professor and the obsession with Joe the Plumber, the not-so-Joe-named unlicensed plummer. And finally, socialism. Really, Mac? On the heels of the financial bailout which you supported you’re going to wield the socialism rapier? Oh, how blunt.

And do we need to even mention the Palin familia? With 6 days to go I am confident that Todd is going to get busted for marijuana possession. Maybe not $150,000 worth, but enough to prove his Libertarian street cred. I just feel it.

Well, at least we’ll have four years to wonder about RomneyBot 2012. I hear he’s almost human.

So my friend John Elisco who used to fancy himself to be John from Cincinnati has released a CD titled “Home-Maders.” (Song 4 is “Ponytailed Surfer Girl”; too bad HBO cancelled that show.) The irony of the title is, of course, that he spent some coin and recorded it in a proper studio. The result is pretty damn good. I’d compare it to that first Sean Lennon CD, though not as heavy on the bosa nova. Definitely a Beatles/Kinks influence throughout. And the best part? It’s free. That’s right, free!

And more good news. Hendrix College (KHDX) in Conway, Arkansas has recently added Home-maders to their active playlist.  Home-maders can also be heard on Rutgers Radio (WRSU-FM) at Rutgers University.  “Like I Do”, the second track, was featured on WYEP’s Local News. To get a copy of Home-maders, send an e-mail to jelisco@elisco.com.

With the money you’ve saved getting John’s free CD, you can run out and purchase the new Matthew Sweet CD, “Sunshine Lies.” Awesome as usual for the “Brian Wilson” of our generation. Though some might say Brian Wilson is the Brian Wilson of my generation.

Why is Obama winning this election? Because there are more ageists in this country than racists. Oh, really? Well, sure. Old people come in all races and genders. More of them to dislike. Like one John Quincy McCain. My friends, guess which one of us has a pocket full of hard candy? Not “that one.”

My friends, I don’t know much about town hall forums, but I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to wander aimlessly around the stage while your opponent is talking. You’re not supposed to answer serious questions like you’re L’il Abner. Who would be your Treasury Secretary? “Not you, Tom.” Oh, god, is that funny. It almost takes the sting out of the Not-So Great Depression coming to a country near you. And I don’t think you should ever shuffle/walk like your slippers are about to fall off.

Plus, my friends,  I’m not an expert on dementia, but you cannot keep telling people that you know how to fix things when you have never demonstrated that ability in the past. I say this because if John Q. McCain actually does know how to “win wars,” “fix the economy” and “save Social Security” then he has been a traitorous member of the Senate. Shouldn’t someone (Tom Brokaw?) ask him the obvious follow up question? How? And when? Oh, you’re only going to share this arcane knowledge once you and Mooseville occupy the White House. Why didn’t you say so? Move in now.

My friends, it’s obvious: the career of a once proud bomber pilot is coming to an end. There will be no more zillionaire trophy wives, no more movie guest appearances and no more make up.

My friends, it’s over.

• Declares leprosy a largely preventable disease that is the result of alternative lifestyles.

• Begins an off-shore ministry just out of reach of having to render unto Caesar.

• Uses knowledge of the carpentry trade to endorse a chain of Home Improvements retail outlets.

• “Dictates” gospel to publicist.

• Shaves beard and grooms hair into the messy “Jimmy Fallon”-style.

• No longer wears raiment, but instead drapes self in flag.

• Removes Judas from 12-man Board of Directors setting into motion an unfortunate chain of events.

• Speaks for God.

American presidential races used to be about 2 things: duels and debates. Well, we can’t have them dueling anymore, otherwise we’d never elect Democrats. Now, after watching the vice-presidential debate between Sen. Joe Biden and Alaska Governor Sarah Palin I am not so sure we should have debates. This took the Admiral James Stockdale moment of 1992 and made it seem reasonable. Maybe Stockdale had a good reason for wandering around the dais. Who knows? The point is Sarah Palin killed the presidential debate system as we know it.

How you ask? Well, a debate is supposed to be an interchange of thoughtful answers to questions posed by a moderator. Candidate A answers the first question and then Candidate B rebuts A’s answer. A then has the chance to respond. Second question goes to Candidate B and the dance continues. But Sarah wasn’t havin’ none of that. No, she was establishin’ her own rules, Wink! She declared off the bat that she wasn’t goin’ to answer questions the way they were posed, and in fact she didn’t. She read prepared statements from index cards. She brought cheat sheets to the debate. She was like one of those sub-moronic back-up quarterbacks who have the plays written on their arms because rememberin’ the playbook is too hard.

And if there’s any doubt lingering about whether or not she’s a pathological liar she quickly dispelled that. She began the night by asking Sen. Biden if she could “call him Joe?” Even though he said “yes” she called him Sen. Biden, Sen. O’Biden and, finally, just Biden. The only time she called him Joe was to pull out that golden nugget of a zinger that Vietnam Vic wrote for her to use at the least appropriate time possible. “Say it ain’t so, Joe.” Indeed, Sarah.

Her full quote was:

Say it ain’t so, Joe, there you go again pointing backwards again. You preferenced your whole comment with the Bush administration.

Where to begin? She starts with “Say it ain’t so, Joe”. Zero chance she knew she was referencing the 1919 Black Sox scandal. No way. Next, she says “there you go again.” A not-so great use of the Reagan line about distorting the Gipper’s record. “Pointing backwards?” Perhaps another baseball reference. Remember Mark MaGuire’s congressional testimony about his alleged steroids use? And then, as if from a metaphorical grassy knoll, comes a second “again.” Unique sentence structure, to say the least.

But could folksy old cornpone leave it at that? No, she had to make up a word just like they used to have to do at Channel 9 News Anchorage when she was the weekend sportscaster. “Preferenced?” When did she become Leon Phelps aka The Ladies Man?  “I preferenced some Courvosier but I’ll drink your Remy Martin.”

The U.S.S. Disaster known as McCain/Palin may finally have begun its final voyage to the bottom of the sea. This farce of a presidential ticket only confirms my suspicion that Republicans had no desire to ever win this race. Even the idiots who made “Gigli” wouldn’t have green lighted this bomb. It quite literally stinks.

And if you have “friends” who still believe they have to vote McCain/Palin to fight off the infidels from Iraq who attacked us on 9/11, well, most importantly you need new friends. But secondly, invite them over to watch a double feature of “Election” and “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.” If they still don’t think Sarah Barracuda is Tracy Flick from “Election” with the voice of Edie McClurg (who played Mr. Rooney’s secretary, Grace) in “Ferris” then, seriously, get some new friends. It’s not that hard. Try Facebook.