Scott Raab has been writer at large for Esquire magazine for so many years that his style, his voice, his way of being has become the soul of the magazine, if you will. Gone from the glory days of Esquire are fiction writing (though occasionally they’ll publish an unreadable Stephen King story), in depth profiles, fresh new voices or literary heft.

Instead, the New Esquire likes to feature cheesecake photos of starlets who tell awful jokes, stories about steak and cigars, lists of restaurants that sound like chains, sports writing about has beens and celebrity profiles. That’s where Raab comes in.

The Raab Way TM is to appear simple while ingratiating himself to the celebrity in his midst. However, Raab has become so adept at what he does the stories practically write themselves. And as always, Raab becomes his own subject. He is the feature!

Here now is The Raabwriter: How to Write a Celebrity Profile like Scott Raab.

1) Mention at the outset that you’re Jewish

2) Mention your girth

3) Liberally sprinkle in some Yiddish in case they missed number 1

4) Hey, do you like Cleveland? I’m from Cleveland

5) Never let the celebrity promote their latest project, instead mention your own book about celebrity interviews. Available at Amazon.

6) Ever hear of Lary Doby?

7) Did I mention I was Jewish?

There you have it, young writer. It’s like sitting at the knee of Rilke and getting urinated on.  Now, have at it.

Doug Fieger, the frontman of late-’70s power pop band The Knack, died Sunday, Feb. 14 at age 57. Happy fucking Valentine’s Day. Fieger had been battling cancer for years and died in his home, reported the L.A. Times.

“We’re really going to miss Doug,” said Boyd Zimmerman, lead singer of The Knick Knacks, a The Knack tribute band. “He really inspired us to, you know, play his songs.  Sometimes for money.”

The Knack is best known for the hit “My Sharona,” which sat in the No. 1 spot for six weeks in 1979 until people realized that it wasn’t disco.

Those liberal fatcats on Wall Street who control the Grammys can give as many bonuses as they want to Beyonce and Lady Caca, but damnit our editors have worked their asses off to give you, dear reader, the most comprehensive best of list of 2009 ever. So where the hell is it? Actually, it is on the page marked “Music.” There is some confusion as to how we lay out this humble (in our opinion, “Greatest ever”) publication. Thing is, brah, we try to contain all music related lists to the page marked “Music.” Dig? Well, dig it for real and read our Best of 2009 list. Hope it works you up reading it as much as it worked us up writing it.

Speaking of Best of Performers, here’s a snappie of our friend, Lloyd Cole, jamming on a banjo. Etouffe took the pic from his Apple device so I can’t vouch for it’s authenticity. This was the 4th time Her Mims and I have seen LaLloyd, and by far his best performance ever. On earth! He and 2 mates switched off on a variety of stringed instruments (no lutes, sadly) and played all the hits. Awesome job, Lloyd-O. One sour note, though. I picked up the set list and waited for Lloyd to autograph it. He asked me where I found it and I said, “on stage.”

“Is it ours?” he asked.

“Well, yeah.”

“Oh, I need it. We don’t have access to a copier and it’s our only copy. Sorry.”

“Cheers.”

In fairness to Lloyd, it was neatly typed and formatted like a spread sheet. Plus, since he performed “Undressed,” I was willing to give him a break. Hopefully, he’ll be coming to a hamlet near you. If he does, don’t steal his set list. You’ve been warned.

Finally, as we urge you again to visit the “Music” page to view our Best of 2009 list, we must announce some already great releases of 2010. Spoon’s new album, “Transference” might be their best since “Girls Can Tell.” Also, don’t pay your heating bill and instead check out new stuff from Vampire Weekend and Midlake.  You’ll be glad you did.

And finally, for real this time, we are sad to report that Franz Nicolay (friend of the show) has left the Hold Steady to pursue a solo career that may involve, among other things, tap dancing and joke telling. Oh, and he has a collection of short stories coming out. So he’s not sweating it. Good luck, Franz.

As always, remember: “Wildcat” was written in a kind of obsolete vernacular.