Colin Meloy is not Victorian, he just plays one on stage as he and his band, the Decemberists, played his rock opera, “The Hazards of Love” from beginning to end uninterrupted. What started out as a possible Broadway musical, became the band’s 3rd major label album. A story that may or may not include references to the Dukes of Hazard (the Queen?, The Rake?, hello!!!), the plot loosely involves shape-shifting, a vengeful woodland witch and infanticide. Sounds like a fun night of theater, indeed.

The band did not disappoint. From the opening prelude to the final folk-rock strum everything was as tight as the proverbial drum. Meloy, in his Mr. Darcy finery, did an excellent job of leading the lads and lasses along in the performance. However, it was the guest vocalists who stole the show. First came Becky Stark of Lavender Diamond as Margaret, the fated lover, dressed in flowing wood nymph attire. Then came the powerhouse vocals of Shara Worden of My Brightest Diamond as the Queen. She nearly blew the fop Meloy off the stage.

After a brief intermission, the band returned to play the “hits” from all of their previous records. Meloy proved to be a little chatty as he set up some songs with unnecessary references to our little hamlet. I think at one point I even yelled, “If I wanted to hear Dave Eggers I’d stay home and listen to the voices in my head!” Still, it was a great show of baroque, chamber, folk and prog rock wrapped up in a tidy bow purchased at Herrod’s.

As a bonus, Stark and Worden did an impressive rendition of the Heart classic “Crazy on You.” I’ve gone on record before declaring Heart as the first Alternative music group. Check and mate, mates.

Not sure why, but the Heartless Bastards opened with an exuberant set of straight forward rock. They have become the go-to opening act for fabled Indie bands.

Finally, R.I.P. to Senator Edward “Ted” Kennedy, a champion of underdogs everywhere. The lion of the senate succumbed to brain cancer at the old-by-Kennedy standards age of 77. He shall be missed. I know I am not alone (because I discussed this with famed pathologist Dr. Cyril Wecht) that something always bugged me about the Chappaquidick story. I will always believe that one of Ted’s tires had been shot out by an assassination attempt. By the way, Dr. Wecht didn’t agree with me on that point, but he did agree that there was a cover up. I guess we’ll never know.

Guns don’t kill people. Bullets do. Well, bullets fired from guns actually. I guess if you forced someone to swallow a box of bullets that might kill them, but it sure sounds like a lot of work. Why not just shoot them? I bring this up in light of the sentence that one-time Super Bowl “hero” Plaxico Burress received for carrying an unlicensed and concealed weapon into a night club and then shooting himself. Oopsie. Brother got 2 years.

Which reminds me of another NYC shooter who liked to carry a concealed weapon, Bernhard Goetz. The “Subway Hero” shot 4 assailants who were attempting to intimidate him into giving them $5. Goetz was sentenced to 8 months in jail. Probably should have just taken his beating. Hell, it only would have cost him 5 bucks.

Is there a point to this, you ask? Always harassing me with questions! Well, yes, the point is that carrying guns is never, let me repeat that -never- a good idea. Unless you’re a soldier, a cop or a hunter. No, need to ever have a gun on you, concealed or otherwise. End of discussion.

But, philistine, what if I feel threatened? Then call a cop, a soldier or a hunter. Would Plaxico Burress really be your first choice to call?

But, I’m a criminal, I need my gun. Is that a question? Okay, first off, you shouldn’t carry a weapon to commit your crimes. Study sentencing guidelines. It’s always worse when you have a gun. Second, have you ever thought of joining the military? They have guns!

A well-armed citizenry is not a deterrent to crime. Name one instance when a crime was prevented because John Q. Public pulled out a concealed weapon. Never happens. And don’t use Goetz; that was revenge vigilantism and you know it.

Do we really want to live in a society that allows any moron with a gun to carry it in public concealed or otherwise? I don’t. When I see news footage of these assholes brandishing firearms at presidential town hall meetings I get very discouraged. It wasn’t so long ago that Americans were arrested for wearing anti-Bush t-shirts to public meetings, and now it’s okay to wear an assault weapon. Not on my watch.

That is why I am encouraging all of my reader to take action. If you see someone carrying a gun in a large group of people, please remove your taser from it’s concealed location and blast them in the head. Believe me, they will respect your right to bear an arm, otherwise they’re just all hypocrites.

On Friday’s episode of “Real Time with Bill Maher,” famous person Ashton Kutcher opined that he did not feel he should have to pay for “fat peoples’ health insurance.” Not sure why Maher invited the Kutch to the party; one can only assume that Tony Blair was a late scratch. However, did the Kutch score a point? Afterall, as a wealthy American he may be asked to pony up more in taxes to pay for Obamacare. Does he have a right to insist on a national anthem of “Go, you chickenfat, go?”

Answer: no, he doesn’t. Ashton Kutcher produces nothing of value to this country. His contributions to his own celebritocracy include “That 70s Show,” “Punk’d” and “Dude, Where’s My Car?” One could argue that if it weren’t for fat people too lethargic to leave their living rooms, the Kutch wouldn’t be famous. Hmmm, then logically speaking, if more Americans were forced to get into shape perhaps we could prevent the creation of another Ashton Kutcher. And who said healthcare wasn’t about being preventative?

Our editors, while pitching stories ideas and drinking, came up with a new project for Julie Powell. Put down the French cook books and start reading classics. She could start with Jonathan Swift. She could publish a book titled “Julie and Swift” about her blog recounting her 365 days of cooking Irish children. Yum! Bon Apetite!

“Inglourious Basterds” opens Friday and all of the anticipation I had for it is vanishing rapidly. The more clips I see of Brad Pitt, the more I am reminded of “Ocean’s 12.” Also, Eli Roth? Really, Quentin? Did he replace the late Sydney Pollack? Plus, seeing Tarantino on Letterman reminded me of seeing (actually, hearing about) Tarantino on “American Idol.” Might rent “Jackie Brown” this weekend instead.

Has Nora Ephron, the Queen auteur of the rom-com, done for foodies what she previously did for Meg Ryan? No, not make their mouse teeth look normal. Has she made it socially acceptable to love to eat? While Americans are world class gluttons, Hollywood still believes in an Auschwitz aesthetic for the celebrities they parade in film and television. That is why Meryl Streep gets kudos for her performance as the grande dame of French cooking, Julia Child in Ephron’s latest film, “Julie and Julia.” Streep packed on the pounds and the height to play the giantess of the culinary literati. Co-star Amy Adams, however, would have us believe that after a year of eating butter-laden French meals she would still weigh in at a modest 38 pounds or whatever gravity-defying weight she is.

While thin on plot, suspense and health, “Julie and Julia” is an enjoyable bio pic about 2 women mining the same pot of stew. Don’t go hungry or high. Bonus points for Stanley Tucci for being the go-to actor for food movies. If you haven’t seen “Big Night” yet, steal it today. One quibble, actor Chris Messina has a lot to learn about dining courtesy. Jesus, close your mouth when you’re chewing!

Speaking of Jesus, isn’t it fun when the preachy fall back to earth. No, I’m not talking about the C Street philanderers, but rather baseball star Josh Hamilton.

Josh Hamilton battled many years of alcohol, drug and tattoo abuse to reclaim his life and his career. He found sobriety and the always missing Jesus, and made his way to becoming an All-Star. Good for him. Then, this past winter, he had a relapse and was lucky enough to have a friend available with a camera. Hardest part of the story: explaining to his wife why he was using a “hand cup”.

And while we’re on the subject of idiots who love to share their special Jesusy values, Sarah Palin weighed in on the torturous national debate on health care reform to proclaim her opposition to Obama’s “Death Panels” because they might be used to murder her son, Trig. Wow, if Obama murdered Trig, how would we be reminded of what a great mom Sarah Palin is? Don’t do it, Mr. President. Go watch “Julie and Julia” instead. I mean, again.

Finally, we’ve reposted the top 20 essential CDs to own while they are still in circulation. Visit the Music Page, which is somewhere right of the dial just left of Glenn Blech!

Dear Justice-confirmed Sotomayer, thank you for your Latina wisdom in tacitly recommending we see The Low Anthem. What a delight these Brown U. grads turned out to be. Planet Roz and I checked them out on Tuesday at The Club Cafe and we were not disappointed. It’s not often a trio brings 12 instruments with them and plays them all. I love it when musicians change instruments during sets. I don’t think you were there, Judge, but I saw the Replacements pull it off around 1986. And what the hell was that instrument that looked like glass jars being played with a bow? Fantastic!

I would compare The Low Anthem to Tom Waits v. Sufjan Stevens. In that landmark case, Chief Justice Roberts suggested that it was the first instance where the blues sounded more upbeat than the chamber pop. For once, he got it right. Well done, Chief.

Judge Sotomayer, I believe that like Le Philistine you enjoy Jack Kerouac almost as much as indie rock. That is why I’m posting this video. Enjoy, amiga, enjoy.

While indie rock is mostly the territory for hirsute flannel slobs with sad stories to sell, occasionally a woman with a large vocabulary and a quiver of metaphors takes the stage. To wit, Our Secret Society saw Neko Case on Friday at a Spinal Tap like setting – a water park/ amphitheater with plenty of mud ponds more suitable to hippos than hippies. Even though the gestapo banned cameras from crowd, Etouffe was able to capture this photo from his iphone.

I don’t know if the setting contributed to the morose atmosphere, but the show was, at best, perfunctory. Neko and the band did their best to play most of the songs from her past 2 CDs without adding any twist or turns, even when singing about a tornado in love with a train. Kelly Hogan, god bless her spunk, added plenty of cornpone asides between songs, but even those seemed forced. It was if everyone on stage were looking at their watches. Now I would pay to hear Neko read the phone book, (honestly), but if I’m going sweat in a mud hut like a third worlder I’d like some extra effort entertainment. Neko Case is the Robert Frost of our generation, dammit, I expect more.

Opening act Jason Lytle obviously is trying to distance himself from his Grandaddy days. The only reminder of his “glory” days was the ubiquitous trucker hat. Most disappointing, Etouffe almost convinced me to get a picture with the guy at the merch table cause he had a baseball hat on.

Speaking of women we love who make great records, Tracyanne Campbell and her band of not-so-merry Glaswegians, Camera Obscura have released “My Maudlin Career.” It’s taken me 5 listens to really like it because I’m used to instantly loving their twee pop. Since original member, John Henderson, left the band it has been the Tracyanne show. Which is certainly wonderful, but I miss the multi vocals. Of course, what separates C.O. from most other bands is that they list their favorite poems on their band profiles. Take that, Motley Crue!

French Navy, anyone?