Why is Obama winning this election? Because there are more ageists in this country than racists. Oh, really? Well, sure. Old people come in all races and genders. More of them to dislike. Like one John Quincy McCain. My friends, guess which one of us has a pocket full of hard candy? Not “that one.”

My friends, I don’t know much about town hall forums, but I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to wander aimlessly around the stage while your opponent is talking. You’re not supposed to answer serious questions like you’re L’il Abner. Who would be your Treasury Secretary? “Not you, Tom.” Oh, god, is that funny. It almost takes the sting out of the Not-So Great Depression coming to a country near you. And I don’t think you should ever shuffle/walk like your slippers are about to fall off.

Plus, my friends, ¬†I’m not an expert on dementia, but you cannot keep telling people that you know how to fix things when you have never¬†demonstrated that ability in the past. I say this because if John Q. McCain actually does know how to “win wars,” “fix the economy” and “save Social Security” then he has been a traitorous member of the Senate. Shouldn’t someone (Tom Brokaw?) ask him the obvious follow up question? How? And when? Oh, you’re only going to share this arcane knowledge once you and Mooseville occupy the White House. Why didn’t you say so? Move in now.

My friends, it’s obvious: the career of a once proud bomber pilot is coming to an end. There will be no more zillionaire trophy wives, no more movie guest appearances and no more make up.

My friends, it’s over.