Shit. Back in this dump. Ain’t no way I’m gonna see “Idol” tonight. American Idol. Greatest country in the world. You gotta problem with that, Osama Hey Zeus, or whatever the hell your name is. This is Steeler country, man. You got that? Even my jail cell is Steeler country. Got me a Terrible towel dou-vay cover. Woo. Steelers. Sucks I’m in jail, though.

Can’t blame my public defender this time. Nope, he told me I was going back to jail. Still, I shouldn’t have pushed him over the desk in front of Judge Judy. But what the piss? Why’d he have to tell her I had rage issues. What kind of argument is that?

I told him to say I ain’t paying my child support ‘cause I’m not even sure those kids is mine. I mean, she already had Tito before I even met her. How come I gotta pay? And she was pregnant with Darlina after our second date. Fuzzy math, man. It don’t add up.

Plus, I’m not even sure I like women, you know what I’m sayin’? Like how come I keep ending up back in jail all the time? It ain’t co-ed or nothing. Plus that big guard said I’m a good kisser. My ex never paid me a compliment. Never told me I smelled pretty or that I looked good in my MacDonald’s uniform. Would it kill her to notice. Especially in front of the children.

Damn kids. Now I’m gonna have to pay like back support. What about my support. You know I’m gonna get demoted back to fries. Shit, I was an assistant manager. I got free refills anytime I wanted. ‘Nother Dr. Pepper? Hell, yes. Fry boy doesn’t get those kind of perks.

Still, I guess them kids are cute and all. Even if they don’t look like me. They spent 2 weeks with my mom and me over Christmas ‘cause BobbyJo went to Mexico with Howard. My mom made so many cookies those kids grew little pot bellies. They looked like cute little pot bellied pigs. ‘Cept Darlina cried when I said she looked like a pot bellied pig. And I was gonna hit her but my mom said maybe she’s crying ‘cause I called her mama a pig for going to Mexico with Howard.

So I said “fine” and I slammed the door and went to Woody’s to have a few rum and cokes with the boys. Too much estrogen in that house anyway. 3 year olds have a lot of that stuff. And don’t get me started on my mom.

She spent the whole 2 weeks yelling at me for beating Tito on the Xbox and eating cookies. Can I help it if I’m a superstar at blowing away zombies and Nazis and Zelda. Damn, I was all over that little shit. Me and the joy stick was one. I was like, Zoom, Pow, Zap. I don’t care if cookie crumbs got all over her precious couch. I was Del Fuego, man. I said, why can’t your stinky little dog eat up them crumbs. Which was stupid ‘cause that dog died 2 years ago on Christmas. Shit.

She started hitting me so hard with her electric broom and yelling that I blacked out. She was carrying on so much that the neighbors must have called the police. And guess who they hauled off to jail? Yeah, that’s right. An outstanding warrant on an old mari-juanita charge. Boo yah!

Of course, the public defender I had that time got me out ‘cause it was Christmas. I was just like that Scrooge son-of-a-bitch. I was like, boy, what day is today? And this dumb looking kid says, it’s day 8 of Chaunakah. And I was like, damn, the angels made me miss Christmas. But they didn’t ‘cause my mom made a ham and more cookies. She even bought me a sweater. Which was nice ‘cause I didn’t get her nothing since my wages had been garnished.

And now I’m back in here for 3 months. How will I ever pass the time? Guess I’ll head down to the gym and see if anybody wants to spot me. Hope Big Guard’s working today.

THE END

How Ostracized Students Have Replaced Disgruntled Postal Workers as the Number One Threat to Americans

As anyone who watches nature shows on the Discovery Channels or Animal Planet knows, death comes brutally served in the animal world by ferocious predators looking for a meal. In the human world of the United States, however, death is now being frequently served by poindexters, geeks and graduate assistants. Add the Valentine’s Day massacre at Northern Illinois University by graduate student Steven Kazmierczak as yet another reason to remain too cool for school What is the root cause of shootings at schools? Cost of tuition, heavy work load, no friends. At a junior high in Oxnard, California, a 15 year-old student was shot and killed by a 14 year-old classmate for being gay. Not because the 15 year-old hit on him, just because he didn’t like gay people. Used to be a time when students only killed each other because they didn’t like Mondays.

A concerned parent in Oxnard proclaimed that both boys were victims? Really? Because only one of them is wearing pennies on his eyes.

In this day and age, there’s a place for extreme levels of testosterone and bullets, it’s called hip hop. No, actually, it’s called Iraq. And doesn’t Bush always say “we’re fighting them there so we don’t have to educate them here.” Or some such nonsense. For hundreds of years, joining the military has been a safe haven for young, gun-toting men who just want to tussle. It still is the perfect antidote for not liking school.

But aren’t school shootings isolated incidents like bear attacks? Not really. Just a day after the NIU shootings and about 45 minutes from the Virginia Tech rampage of last year, classes at Ferrum College were cancelled because of an armed student prowling campus. Less than a week later, a gunman was picked up at North Dakota State University as well as at East Central Community College in Mississippi. Hell, Baghdad U. might be a safer place to be.

And those are just the colleges and universities. Is anyone forgetting Columbine, Little Rock or Mitchell High in Memphis where a student was gunned down just 2 weeks ago? Why can’t Johnny read? More like, why can’t Johnny breathe?

Do we count on increased security and metal detectors to do the job, or do we place a greater emphasis on psychological evaluations? Students at Penn State University would like to take matters into their own hands. They have petitioned the university to allow students to carry concealed weapons in order to prevent attacks in classrooms.

That’s right: the solution to dealing with armed students is to arm the students. Archie Bunker once suggested that the way to stop planes from being hijacked was to arm all the passengers. “Let’s roll.” Of course, the gun-nut answer is always more guns not less. It’s like the designated hitter rule in American League baseball. Why play defense when you can add more offense. It’s like a Surge for American classrooms. And I think we know how successful that’s been. Seriously, don’t we know?

Maybe the answer is as simple as What Would Abe Lincoln Do? Honest Abe didn’t waste a lot of time at no fancy university. He just lit a whale oil lamp or a buffalo lard candle and read until his eyes got crusty. Home schooling has yet to result in one school shooting. And for our college students there are always the non accredited online universities like Strayer, Phoenix and Bob Jones. Don’t you feel safer already?

Another solution might be mood inducers or mood inhibitors in our drinking water just like fluoride and calcium. Wouldn’t you rather have a classroom of zombies than shooters? True, zombies eat brains but they move slowly and are easy to recognize. If only that were true of bears.