Happy New Year to you and yours and theirs and hers. Great holiday or greatest holiday? Not sure. What are we really celebrating: good riddance to the year ending or “hello, Mr. New Year?” I don’t know. Seems arbitrary, but then again so does Presidents Day. Anyway, enjoy your champipple and send the dry cleaning bill to us. If you find yourself home alone tonight watching “When Harry met Sally” or “Harry and the Hendersons,” then by gosh, don’t wait until midnight to start drunk dialing your friends. Let them know before the ball drops that you have one foot on the bridge and one dangling precariously over the railing.

Hey, speaking of movies, here are 2 capsule reviews for you regarding some of the latest crap from Hollywood. What can we say about “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” that we didn’t already say about “Forrest Gump?” Not much. Coincidentally, they were both written by Eric Roth. Hmmmm. I think he had a check list. Semi-retard living in the South? Got it. Catch-phrase happy momma? Got it! Trampy love interest? Check! War? Check! Lt. Dan? Would you settle for Cap’n Mike? Got that too! Huzzah. Oscar, please.

Maybe it was Brad Pitt’s sleep walking performance or the math quiz that was trying to figure out his age in relation to the events happening around him that got to be annoying. Maybe it was the “English Patient” way the story unfolds via a dying person sharing the “love” story. I don’t know. Seems that the fable concept of telling the story about someone who ages in reverse was too much for director David Fincher (“Se7en,” “Fight Club,” “Ladies & Gentlemen: The Best of George Michael”) to handle. Shouldn’t we see an old man without the wisdom to understand life around him and a young man who is world weary? Well, at least Cate Blanchett is stunning as usual. Her best work since “Lord of the Rings.”

The special effects of “Ben Button” made me think how cool it would be for Robert Redford to remake “The Natural.” I always wondered why he thought he could play Roy Hobbs from age 18 to mid-40’s. No offense to the casting director, but the entire New York Knights team looked a little long in the teeth. When they call Roy grandpa and old man, I wonder if the mirrors in the locker room don’t work.

Back to “new” talkies. Mims and I also saw Tom “Tom” Cruise in “Valkyrie.” I give all the credit to director Bryan Singer for making this movie intriguing. I actually thought Cruise might pull off the assassination of Hitler afterall. Plus, with a supporting cast of Kenneth Branaugh, Tom Wilkerson, Bill Nighy and Terrance Stamp, it’s worth the price of admission. Man those Nazis had some shiny boots!

Well, I’m off to see some more movies before the Golden Globes start getting tossed around. I’ll see you in the lobby.

Happy Holy Days, heathens, and welcome to our semi-annual early Oscar predictions. I’m going way out on a limb here because I haven’t seen many movies this year. Of course, that shouldn’t  stop me from predicting what are usually very predictable awards. Best Actor will go to sentimental favorite Clint Eastwood( pictured left)  for “Gran Tarino,” the movie where he reprises the catch-phrase happy Dirty Harry character and shoots a car. He edges out Tony winner Frank Langella while simultaneously crushing Sean Penn for playing Jack McFarland in the movie version of “Will & Grace & Milk.”

Best Actress goes to Kate Winslet because she really wants one and made a Nazi movie. Fans of the HBO series “Extras” might remember the episode where Kate played herself making a Nazi movie in an effort to gain an Oscar. Nicely done!

Best Picture: “Wall-E.” There, I said it. Huzzah! Take it to the bank.

In the easiest prediction of the night, Heath Ledger wins his posthumous Best Supporting Actor award for playing the Joker in “Dark Knight.” On the plus side, it will be the shortest acceptance speech of the night. Best Supporting Actress goes to …someone British?

Well, enough predictions for day. We’ll return after the Holy Days for our Best of Lists. Maybe I’ll even see some movies in the mean time.

Don’t forget to start marking your calendars for a HUGE March, 2009. 3/1 is the 30th birthday party to end civilization for comedian sister, 3/3 is the release of Neko Case’s latest masterpiece “Middle Cyclone,” and 3/6 is the opening night of “Watchmen.” Wow, what a week that’ll be! I hope Clint Eastwood can make it until then.

I’ll bring the popcorn, you bring the microwave.

Reporting from El Philistino Headquarters in Mexico City — A U.S. kidnapping consultant was kidnapped by armed men in northern Mexico amid the country’s wave of abductions, his employer said Monday. Let’s hear him talk his way out of this one.

While on a working holiday of sorts, Felix Batista, 55, a hostage negotiator who offers seminars on handling abductions, disappeared Wednesday in the border state of Coahuila, said Charlie LeBlanc, president of ASI Global, a Houston-based security firm. Batista has been quoted by U.S. media outlets as a kidnapping expert.  He reportedly has taken part in hostage negotiations in Colombia and elsewhere in Latin America. To be clear, he knows his way around a kidnapping.

Batista was at a restaurant when, according to witness Slow Poke Rodriquez, “armed men came out of an SUV and threw him into the SUV and left,” LeBlanc said by telephone.  So far, no ransom demands have been made.

I’m betting they don’t teach this at the Wharton School, but I’m sure it is difficult to hold onto clients afraid of being kidnapped when you yourself are in fact kidnapped.  Of course, they are a Houston-based firm. It’s quite possible George W. sits on the Board. That would “esplain’ ” everything, muchachos.

I’ve now convinced 40% of The Hold Steady to pose for a picture with me, as evidenced by this fine shot of Tad Kubler and me. Tad, manic 70s influenced guitar virtuoso, was gracious enough to stop nipping riffs from Manfred Mann to let me grab this shot. Speaking of shots, he asked about a local watering hole within walking distance from the venue and I suggested an easier way to get shot. Start yelling, “I heart McCain.” Tad decided to “catch a ride,” which I think means listen to more Carlos Santana. No doubt, though, the Hold Steady are the most awesome, and possibly loudest, band working today. They played their asses off and we had front row seats. The only disappointment: no drinking in the theater! What a way to see a “bar band.”

Kubler, I should add, is also an accomplished photog. Check out tabkubler.com and book him for your next wedding. If you’re wondering where The Hold Steady’s 2008 release “Stay Positive” is going to fall in our Best of 2008, well, if history is any indicator (and it is), I’ll probably post the Best Of Lists in February. But, as I would have told lead singer/beat poet Craig Finn if weren’t so damned elusive, “it’s Top 5 material.”

Speaking of Top Stuff in the world of the arts, you owe it to yourself to see the No Name Players presentation of David Lindsay-Abaire’s “Wonder of the World.” This is it’s final week at the Open Stage Theater and it is laugh until almost black-out funny. Former Miracle Player, Gab B. (pictured) plays a suicidal drunk and what could be funnier than that? Perhaps a homicidal clown? Yes, this play has it all. Tickets are only $10 (cash, please – don’t take any plug nickels – hee haw and merry christmas). Call the box office today!

Golly, but why did my sisters give any thumbs up to the “The Family Stone?” I literally spent an hour and half yelling at the television, “why did this get made?” As far as dramedies go, this movie has little to offer in the way of laughs or tears. There are way too many stock characters who are only differentiated by their abilities to annoy. And Luke Wilson? I’m guessing Wes Andersen spoiled him for real work. He mailed in one of the laziest and braindead performances ever. Ever! And Sarah Jessica Parker remains easy on the eyes. Stevie Wonder’s eyes.

Finally, Huzzah to Congress for bailing out the Big 3 auto makers. Finally, a union that won’t be crushed because of incompetent management. Now let’s all show our support by buying a brand new SUV. C’mon, gas is cheaper now than it was 20 years ago.

“I don’t think anybody could tell you right now if we’re in a recession or not” [Dana Perino, 10/7/08]

Classic Bush-speak, and I am going to miss it. Is the conjecture about the possibility that we are currently experiencing a recession, or is that anyone could tell? And by tell, does that mean they are being prevented from telling by one of Cheney’s henchmen or does it mean that she does not think any random person could tell. Kind of like in one of those hilarious Jay Leno “Jay Walking” bits when he finds average American dumbasses to admit they have no idea who Ben Franklin was or why gravity keeps us on the earth.

As word spread today that we have actually been in a recession for nearly a year, and that nobody told us, I was reminded of a conversation I had with 2 conservative friends this past summer. I had mentioned that we were in a…anybody, anybody? A recession. Conservative 1, let’s call him Keith, turned to Conservative 2, let’s call him recently elected Pennsylvania state representative Jim Christiani, and sneered, “recession.” Number 2, said, “liberals.” Well, wasn’t the egg on my face.

Still, I am going to miss Dana Perino’s flawless ability to not sort of answer questions. What’s most impressive is that she’s been able to do it without the assistance of Jeff Gannon. I guess we will never know why only 20% of the country approves of Bush. I just don’t think anybody could tell.