FotoFlexer_TrumpFor all of his faults, idiocy, high crimes and misdemeanors, self-aggrandizement and general awfulness, I would contend that Donald J. Trump is quintessentially the most American of all presidents. Let’s cut all the “shiny city on hill” bullcrap and examine the true core of America.

America cultivated for-profit Christianity (while maintaining non-profit status), a form of religion that enriches pastors, bishops, prophets, madmen, charlatans and Mormons. Oh, yeah, Mormonism, that most American of all religions founded by a failed “businessman” who spent time in jail for scamming people. In the early 1820’s, Joseph Smith found himself turning to the tried and true business of religion to cultivate suckers. Prophets with a vision to sell were popping up all over the place, but not many offered free land and child brides. Oh, and Mormons preach a success covenant with God. Your financial well doing is tied to your faith. You know, just like Jesus preached. Give a man a fish and create a lazy mooch, teach a man to scam and he’ll never work again. Trump Steaks, anyone?

Before Donald Trump, America had to endure Phineas Taylor “P. T.” Barnum. Another creation of the America of nightmares, Barnum was a politician, showman, and businessman best remembered for promoting celebrated hoaxes and for founding the Barnum & Bailey Circus. Like Trump, Barnum said of himself, “I am a showman by profession…and all the gilding shall make nothing else of me.” Also like Trump, Inc., Barnum’s goal was “to put money in his own coffers”. Barnum is generally credited with coining the phrase “There’s a sucker born every minute”. Hey, do those suckers vote?

Why do Americans still remember Barnum nearly 130 years after his death? Sure – torturing elephants, but why else? Because he bragged about himself non-stop. A shameless self-promoter who saw humanity as one big dollar sign. The distractions he created were bearded ladies, conjoined twins and sword swallowers. For Trump, it’s failed casinos, horsemeat steaks and flirting with his daughter.

And what about those casinos? Is there anything more iconic of the American landscape than Las Vegas? The city of dreams funded by gangsters using union pension funds so suckers can waste their hard earned cash trying to get rich quick. Of course, Trump tried his hand in the casino business in the shithole known as Atlantic City. Like most of his business operations, Trump himself became the sucker. The only casino operator on Earth who lost money. Even Old Testament Ghoul, Sheldon Adelson made money in casinos, and his were in Macau!

Which brings us to professional sports. The only monopolies left in America. Another institution that found popularity through gambling, and remains popular despite scandals involving drugs, cheating, doping, stealing and murder. Yes, they even covet their neighbors wives!

The idiocy of professional sports in America can best be showcased through it’s favorite creation: professional wrestling. Nothing says America like beefcake bodybuilders engaged in homo-erotic gripping and groaning while a delighted audience cheers on the heroes and villains knowing the entire enterprise is a fraud. Each wrestler is a manufactured “character” marketed to get the suckers in the seats or shelling out big dollars on pay per view.

Of course, Trump too had a hand in professional wrestling. Trapped somewhere between ridiculous business buffoon and too soft “pretty boy” to be taken seriously, Trump would stand ringside at yell at the actors and their owner, Vince McMahon. In 2009, instead of negotiating with world leaders, Trump was dealing with Vince McMahon on the “purchase” of Monday Night Raw, the cable broadcast of professional wrestling.

Said Trump at the time, “I’m going to do stuff that’s never been done before. never been seen before. People have been watching Raw for 17 years and they deserve something special. You’ve made a lot of money off these people. It’s about time you give back. Like our president says, ‘Give back.'”

As always, when left unscripted, Trump has a way of playing the asshole. Imagine a president like John Kennedy or Barack Obama suggesting that successful people give something back to their country. What are we? Suckers?