Hi, I’m Susan Boyle, and as you’ve probably heard by now I ‘ave ne’er been kissed, smootched or cullied. Not even by a pet. Now there’s some might call that torture, but not me. I always figured the laird blessed me in udder ways. Like me wee singing voice.  If a man doesn’t want to put his lips on mine because I resemble Rubeus Hagrid, so be it. T’ hell with the lot of them.

Which brings me to me essay: what is torture? I recently had me eye brows plucked, and I have to say that after 4 hours of yanking on me for’ed that I confessed to blowing up the Lockerbee. Then the bugger sheared me locks. What the bloody hell? It was so thick he done found 2 partridges. Danny and Tracey, I ken.

Know what else is torture? Queen Simon Cowell. That tart dunno want me to get all pretty cause it’ll take the mens’ attention away from him. Stupid sconce!

Lots of folks have been talking about waterboarding as torture, but I has to say that had I been born in a different century they probably woulda dunked me in the tub for looking like a witch. I dunno.  Could be me newty looking eye balls. Mum used to say I could see things behind me ‘ed. Bloody cow!

Some would say watching “Britain’s Got Talent” is torture, and they might be right. But then hows comes so many Yanks keep looking me up on the YouTubes?

Well, the laird giveth and then he taketh away. Looks like me big chance to become a star is going to end because of Swine Flu. Seems like the whole world is going SIV Positive. Here’s the bloody symptoms:  fever, cough, sore throat, body aches, headache, chills and fatigue. A few patients have reported that they also suffered from diarrhea and vomiting. Dah said it sounds like his wedding night. Good one, Dah!

In conclusion, your African president probably did the right ting by shutting down the torture.  Eye brow plucking, nose tweeking and ear shaving can be awfully cruel and inhumane. And guardy loo, I still haven’t even had a nibble of a peck. It’s like being married to David Gest.

Susan Boyle is a guest editor and her opinions are her own.