My responsibility to bring you the most up-to-date historical figure interviews knows no bounds. I dog statesman and dancers alike to bring you answers to the topics on all of our minds. Global Climate Change, Weather, Storms. All of it. I ask the tough questions so you don’t have to. Recently, I sat down (stood) with Hines Ward, former NFL jawbreaker and lord of the dance, to discuss the “issues” of the day. Over the background noise of a casino nightclub, I let my chips fall. Here are my questions and what I think were his answers.

Me: You were traded to the Dolphins. How are those Don Shula steakhouses?
HW: Huh? I retired.

Me: What’s Cat Deeley really like besides tall and accenty?
HW: Who?

Me: How big of an asshole is Bane? And as a follow-up, did the touchdown count?
HW: Umm.

Me: Final question – who is your favorite Lord of the Rings character? Mine is Hermione.
HW: Ok. Thanks.

By the way, I’m using this interview as my audition piece for Craig Ferguson’s job. So grateful to Stephen Colbert for firing that Scottish fool. If I don’t get it, I hope they give it to Matthew Perry. He needs another chance.

Speaking of chances, have you tried Parquet Courts’ “Sunbathing Animals” yet? Well, you should.