Scott Raab has been writer at large for Esquire magazine for so many years that his style, his voice, his way of being has become the soul of the magazine, if you will. Gone from the glory days of Esquire are fiction writing (though occasionally they’ll publish an unreadable Stephen King story), in depth profiles, fresh new voices or literary heft.

Instead, the New Esquire likes to feature cheesecake photos of starlets who tell awful jokes, stories about steak and cigars, lists of restaurants that sound like chains, sports writing about has beens and celebrity profiles. That’s where Raab comes in.

The Raab Way TM is to appear simple while ingratiating himself to the celebrity in his midst. However, Raab has become so adept at what he does the stories practically write themselves. And as always, Raab becomes his own subject. He is the feature!

Here now is The Raabwriter: How to Write a Celebrity Profile like Scott Raab.

1) Mention at the outset that you’re Jewish

2) Mention your girth

3) Liberally sprinkle in some Yiddish in case they missed number 1

4) Hey, do you like Cleveland? I’m from Cleveland

5) Never let the celebrity promote their latest project, instead mention your own book about celebrity interviews. Available at Amazon.

6) Ever hear of Lary Doby?

7) Did I mention I was Jewish?

There you have it, young writer. It’s like sitting at the knee of Rilke and getting urinated on.  Now, have at it.