So Her Mims and I are approaching June at a leislurely and carefree pace, with less work and more art appreciation, albeit not timely. You know you live  near the sticks when you review musicals after they’ve won Tonys and concert tours on their final leg.  So it is that we’ve taken in some theatre wearing our finery and laughing in the face of Depression Deux.

First off was the touring company of Rosie O’Donnell’s favortite musical, “Spring Awakening!” Based on a 19th Century German play by Frank Wedekind that explores youthful sexual exploration with tragic results, and set to a rock score written by Indie-Ivy League rocker Duncan Sheik this musical delivers the goods. It’s Little Red Riding Hood without a wolf but with plenty of guitar. The staging was a bit odd with the band and rows of customers on stage with the actors, but it worked. A cautionary tale that blames sexual repression more than sexual behaviour for the tragic consequences, many prudish patrons left the theatre in a huff (though, none of the ones on stage, I think - just some in the seats). If you’re interested, there is also a translation of the German play by Jonathan Franzen available. Or you could buy the soundtrack and read some Brothers Grimm.

Next up was a production of Tom Stoppard’s “Rock N Roll,” that felt like a graduate class on socialism, world cultures, literature and pop music. Apparently, 1968 was a bad year to dig the Velvet Underground in Czechoslavkia as the tanks rolled in from the Soviet Union to suppress the “Prague Spring.”  Our protagonist, Jan, leaves his philosophy studies in Cambridge to return to Prague armed only with his record albums and his belief that change will come about through underground rock shows. Well, the secret police beat that notion out of him. Well, not really, but Stoppard does liberally sprinkle in appearances by Syd Barrett, Sappho and cancer.  Best to see this play on Ginkgo Biloba.

Speaking of the rock and rolls, Mims and I took in Coldplay at the local outdoor amphitheatre and they did not disappoint. Chris Martin, the one guy, that other guy and the drummer put on a spectacle of sound, light and bouncing yellow balls that delighted the capacity crowd of couples. Martin even lead the crowd in a wave of lighted cell phones. Good to see they were able to survive “X & Y,” however, I couldn’t help but wonder why them and not Del Amitri.

Finally, our immersion into the art world took us to a film destined to be a comedia classico. “The Hangover” takes the inventive notion of a bachelor party gone awry and places it in the context of a screwball comedy rather than a horror or crime story. Usually the setting for detective noir or crime scene investigations, Las Vegas serves to actually the lighten the mood of this buddy film wherein the characters aren’t actually buddies.  Ed Helms, whom I believe may be Fred Gwynne CGI’d into the picture, steals the movie by constantly shrieking. The oddest thing, though, is the lack of Vince Vaughn, Will Ferrell, Seth Rogan or Paul Rudd. Don’t see this movie expecting to cry unless they’re tears of laughter, that is.

Well, we leave for Italia in 13 days. Hopefully, Interpol has a short memory.

Another mad musical genius has died and with him goes any hope of a “Summerteeth 2: This Time It’s Personal!” Jay Bennett, 45, passed away in his sleep on Sunday of unknown causes. Bennett, known primarily as the guy who got sacked from Wilco during the “Yankee Hotel Foxtrot” sessions, and who was unfairly (editor?) portrayed in the film “I Am Trying to Break Your Heart was a sonic innovator. Jay’s contributions to Wilco’s “Being There,” “Summerteeth,” the 2 “Mermaid Avenue” records and “YHF” are phenomenal. As a multi-instrumentalist, he added layers and structure more like a composer than a tunesmith. Post Wilco, Jay released some fine records both solo and with his writing partner, Edward Burch. In fact, do a google search and you can download his latest record for free.

Sadly, I saw the tortured side of Jay when he and Burch performed at the Club Cafe in 2004. Clearly not in any condition to perform, Jay collapsed to the stage floor, called Jeff Tweedy on his cell and left him an incoherent message, and basically forgot most of the words and chords of the songs the band played. Burch stood at the door and apologized as fans left the bar. Not too many merch sales that night, I reckon.

Farewell, Jay Bennett. Like a building jumper, you’ve left an impression.

Hey, if you want to honor Jay’s memory then run out and buy Grizzly Bear’s “Veckatimest” tout suite. Grizzly Bear plays an Indie brand of waltz music, with extraordinary layers of vocal harmonies and orchestration that will make the hipsters swoon. If you love Fleet Foxes, Sufjan Stevens and “Pet Sounds,” then this is the record for you.  Clearly in the running for CD of the Year.

Speaker Nancy Pelosi has introduced HB434 naming June 1st as a National Day to Punch members of the National Rifle Association, and Presidential Press Secretary Robert Gibbs has said the President will quickly sign it into law. While the law is vague about what areas of the body are fair game, it is assumed that the face, beer gut and/or testes are the most obvious choices for striking. While Speaker Pelosi claims to have not really read the bill she has managed to secure several  co-sponsors from Vermont, Delaware and France.

“Look,” said President Obama. “Ahhhh, obviously we know that some, ahhh, NRA members are good folks. But, ahhh, look, some of these folks just need to be punched. That’s all. Helen?”

Added Vice-President Biden, “If you do get punched, then Champ, pick yourself up and shoot somebody. Especially if they have swine flu or whatever the hell it is the President’s calling it these days.”

(In a continuing effort to appeal to Red State America, President Obama names television personality Paula Abdul to the post of Ambassdor to Iran. The following is a transcript of Ambassdor Abdul’s first address to the Iranian Parliament.)

Thank you. All of you. Beautiful. Like a parrot or, no, what are those red parrots called? Special. Special people. My heart.

President Ahmadinejad. You are a superstar. Your talents. Fan. Big. My country is peace. Jane Lynch loves hummus. I swear. Do you own any neck ties? I’m just speaking. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Magic Johnson once told me a joke. I’d like to share it.

People are you feelin’ it? Baby, you’ve got it. That smile. The children. Please don’t make any more bombs. Okay. Deal? Wait. What? Off script. You have sooooo much talent. You are a superstar.

Flying carpets and Imam Khomeini. Superstar. I had some figs in my bathroom. No. I did. Beautiful. Like sunshine and moon walks and you will be a big star. I love your talent. Emilio. Wait. Let me finish. Wait.

Where am I? Big. Talent. You are an incredible. Sack lunch. Let’s. All. Get along. Okay? Please. I love you all.

Standing o. My heart. God bless and Jesus. Whatev. We are the world too. Sleep now.

zzzzzzzzzz.

Hi, I’m Susan Boyle, and as you’ve probably heard by now I ‘ave ne’er been kissed, smootched or cullied. Not even by a pet. Now there’s some might call that torture, but not me. I always figured the laird blessed me in udder ways. Like me wee singing voice.  If a man doesn’t want to put his lips on mine because I resemble Rubeus Hagrid, so be it. T’ hell with the lot of them.

Which brings me to me essay: what is torture? I recently had me eye brows plucked, and I have to say that after 4 hours of yanking on me for’ed that I confessed to blowing up the Lockerbee. Then the bugger sheared me locks. What the bloody hell? It was so thick he done found 2 partridges. Danny and Tracey, I ken.

Know what else is torture? Queen Simon Cowell. That tart dunno want me to get all pretty cause it’ll take the mens’ attention away from him. Stupid sconce!

Lots of folks have been talking about waterboarding as torture, but I has to say that had I been born in a different century they probably woulda dunked me in the tub for looking like a witch. I dunno.  Could be me newty looking eye balls. Mum used to say I could see things behind me ‘ed. Bloody cow!

Some would say watching “Britain’s Got Talent” is torture, and they might be right. But then hows comes so many Yanks keep looking me up on the YouTubes?

Well, the laird giveth and then he taketh away. Looks like me big chance to become a star is going to end because of Swine Flu. Seems like the whole world is going SIV Positive. Here’s the bloody symptoms:  fever, cough, sore throat, body aches, headache, chills and fatigue. A few patients have reported that they also suffered from diarrhea and vomiting. Dah said it sounds like his wedding night. Good one, Dah!

In conclusion, your African president probably did the right ting by shutting down the torture.  Eye brow plucking, nose tweeking and ear shaving can be awfully cruel and inhumane. And guardy loo, I still haven’t even had a nibble of a peck. It’s like being married to David Gest.

Susan Boyle is a guest editor and her opinions are her own.

So our President makes retard jokes on late night television. So what? Is he really the first one? Didn’t LBJ compare Ho Chi Minh to a retarded poodle on the Jack Paar Show? Well, he should have. The main reason Obama went on “The Tonight Show” was to dumb down his message to the people. Populism is nothing if not gratuitous and superficial. How could Obama sell his recovery plan to the fans of “Small Town News” if he didn’t talk like one of them.

Of course, this is the second time the subject of bowling has gotten him into trouble. God only knows why a Harvard-educated lawyer needs to prove he’s as  regular a guy as Stretch Cunningham and The Dude. Many thought that Obama lost the Pennsylvania Primary because he threw a few gutterballs while Hilary sat at the bar doing shots of Wild Turkey last April. No, he lost Pennsylvania because as a state it is the birthplace of the Klan. True story.

But in fairness to the Keystone State, the citizens weren’t so retarded that they voted McCain/ Palin.  Oops.

Perhaps the bigger question should be why Obama felt the need to appear not only on Jay Leno’s show, but also on ESPN where he chose his NCAA brackets with Andy Katz. Was this some strategic plan to alleviate national fears by appearing folksy and cornpone? How many times did he use the phrase, “whole buncha folks?” And why Andy Katz? Why not Dick Vitale?

Obama needs to appear to be a little more serious, not less. As the Goldman Sachs crew running Treasury continue to invest our money poorly, the President needs to stop talking about the Tar Heels, Puddin’ Pops and Portuguese Water Dogs and start talking about criminal investigations and asset seizures. How’s that for populism?

Speaking of the poopular, or sort of poopular, The Decemberists latest madcapped genius CD “The Hazards of Love” was released today. Apparently, it is a rock opera. Definitely only for the cool kids - and you know who you are.

Only 2 weeks until Opening Day! Have the Yankees applied for any bailout money yet?

Happy St. Pasquale’s Day (or Patrick, if you insist). Of course, before the frat boys can don their green Cat in the Hat chapeaux and their drunk-girl dates puke into their Uggs, a police officer has been shot dead in a republican stronghold in Northern Ireland - the third such killing in 48 hours. Great, just what Obama needed. Another hot zone. Send in Team America! (Finally got around to watching that movie, by the way. Hilarious!)

On Monday night, the officer and a colleague were responding to a call about “suspicious activity” in County Armagh when their patrol cars were attacked and they were fired on; the second officer was injured and Stephen Rea ran into the arms of a transvestite. Two days earlier, a pair of unarmed soldiers were shot dead as they picked up pizzas in County Antrim. No word on whether or not delivery was an option. “Loyalist paramilitaries have so far resisted reaction, despite numerous attacks against police officers over the past 18 months,” The Times of London reports. “But while the death of soldiers is regarded as an attack on the British state, the murder of a local police officer may be interpreted as an attack on the local unionist community.” One local officer was quoted as saying, “No fairsees.”

Le Philistine remains sympathetic to republican causes but will not halt any drinking activities over the next several days. We have accrued way too much Jameson’s to stop the tippling. True story: I have a “diploma” from the Jameson’s distillery. I drank 8 jiggers of whiskey in a little over a minute. Next time you’re in Dublin don’t forget to tour the Jameson’s river of joy juice.

In other news, Dave Matthews continues to piss me off. British geniuses Gomez have a new record out, but I find myself indifferent because they are signed to Matthews ATO label. Plus, when we (the Blognesso’s) saw them live, they attracted DMB Frat-tards. Oh, and I heard today that best live band in the Milky Way, the Hold Steady, are opening for DMB on some dates this summer. Hacky sack meets chill out tent. Story at eleven.

Cheers!

Thank heavens that February is over. What an asshole month. Stupid groundhog. Why do we need 1.2 billion dollars to study rodent behavior and it’s effects on climate anyway? Exactly, Bobby Jindal. The legend has it that young Jindal-gee growing up in American chose his own first name from watching episodes of the “Brady Bunch.” Man, I wish he would have picked Jan.

We are now about 40 days and nights into the Obama presidency and still the Ford Motor Company hasn’t taken a penny of bailout money. So am I to believe that greasers still drive Mustangs?

By the way, we finally got around to publishing our Top 20 CDs of 2008. Check it out and you’re welcome. We do the heavy lifting so you don’t have to. We’re like enablers for your ears and music is the heroin. So that makes deafness rehab. What a stupid metaphor. All right, just check out the list.

The race for number 1 of 2009 begins tomorrow with the release of “Middle Cyclone,” the latest and greatest from Neko Case. Great album or greatest album? Jury is still out. All I know is that I bought 5 to give as Easter presents.

Shugo Tokumaru’s “Exit” didn’t make our Top 20 list from last year but only because I just bought it. If you love Japanese pop music as much as we do then download “Parachute” right now. Done? Well, what did I tell you. Apparently, he’s a wonder boy pounding out little symphonies to Buddha in his bedroom. Don’t look now but Sophia Coppola is filming him!

4 days until “Watchmen!” I hope the blue body paint I bought to wear to the premiere isn’t toxic.

As our editors prepare to (finally) release our Top 20 CDs of 2008 list, we thought we would correct a wrong and claim Midlake’s exceptional album “The Trials of Van Occupanther” an honorary best of 2006. We were just turned on to this fine concept album by our friends at the opium den known as PlanetRoz. I know why we skipped it 3 years ago: the title. Really? I hate/love goofy word mash-ups. Plus, they’re from Denton, Texas. Strike 2. However, I must confess I can’t take it out of the CD machine in my metal suit. Wowsie! It’s indie rock with all of the best elements of the 70s. Lindsay Buckingham guitar solos, Michael Murphy songs about horses, Steely Dan electric piano. Delightful, indeed.

It appears to be a concept album about either a European colonialist in Africa who has a dead, young wife, or an Appalachian miner. Kind of fuzzy on the details. But don’t let that deter you. Buy it. Today. Geez, I sure hope they release something new soon. I guess I could check out their MySpace page, but then I would have to go to MySpace.

Here are 3 gems to download: Roscoe, Young Bride,Bandits. Get started. While they get compared to psyche rock oddballs like Flaming Lips, Grandaddy and Mercury Rev, I’m not hearing it so much. While I enjoy all 3 of those bands, none have ever produced a record this good. Thus my mea culpa for excluding them from the party that was 2006.

Other new music news: Chancellorpink has released his latest, “Life Like Sad Music.” It is available through normal rock channels and www.chancellorpink.com.  Samples available on MySpace as well. Check it out and get back to us.

Readers of this site know that I am an unabashed fan of steroid and performance enhancing drug use in professional sports. That is why I was pleased to see Alex Rodriguez (pictured pre-roids) admit to using the juice. Why? Well, look at his statistics for starters. His numbers are astounding. He crushes home runs at an astronomical rate, while also hitting for average. Isn’t that why people pay big money to see him? To watch sports in general? I know that we at Le Philistine Media, Inc. do.

Professional sports means paying athletes to over-perform. These are the best of the best, so why shouldn’t they perform at the highest level possible. Now the baseball writers will whine about the unfair advantage it gives some players over others. Bullshit.  Jose Canseco speculated that nearly 90% of all major leaguers were using leaded gas. As I’ve said previously about the great Barry Bonds, if they were all doing it then why was he so much better? Because he and A-rod and Maguire et al. just happened to be better hitters.

Hall of Fame? Hell, yes. Stop writing Congress about the stimulus package and start writing baseball writers about being assholes. The Hall is for the greatest athletes, clean or otherwise. For G’s sake, Maguire and Sosa saved the game of baseball from dropping below hockey and soccer as a spectator sport. And who would want that to happen?

Note to Grammily voters: nice call on giving George Carlin a posthumous grammy. I forget, was that a duet album with Alison Krause.