Our editorial team just returned from our holiday sojourn to find perpetually confused New York Times columnist David Brooks wondering why there are not more liberals in America, in what Brooks speculates to be a “golden age for liberalism.”

He writes: “Given the circumstances, this should be a golden age of liberalism. Yet the percentage of Americans who call themselves liberals is either flat or in decline. There are now two conservatives in this country for every liberal. Over the past 40 years, liberalism has been astonishingly incapable at expanding its market share.”

Or, perhaps, Dave, fanatical right-wing media, religious institutions and institutional racism have people afraid to admit that they are in fact liberals. Though, a better answer might be that people are either delusional, ignorant or sub-moronic. Think the Teabagger Grandpappy who screamed for the government to take their hands off of his Medicare. I’m sure Pee Paw thinks he’s a true blue conservative and not some European-styled socialist.

In national poll after national poll, people overwhelmingly agree with the domestic policies of the Democrats. People want more medical care for the sick and elderly, they want better schools, they want drivable roads and public transportation, they want to be able to breath the air and drink the water. Just don’t call them liberals. They’re smart enough to know that that is a dirty word.

On the national average, Americans watch 8 hours of television a day. However, ask an American if they watched the latest episode of “The Bachelor” and you’ll no doubt get this response: “I rarely watch television.”

Similarly, ask the middle manager at a paper pushing firm if he supports cutting capital gains taxes or raising taxes on people earning far more than he does, and invariably he’ll scream, “Commie!” Why? Because Americans don’t see themselves as working poor. They see themselves as 1 winning lottery ticket away from packing up the jaloppy and moving to Beverly Hills.

There’s an obesity epidemic in this country but the majority of Americans think that they are fit. They just need to watch a football game and the pounds will roll off.

And let’s not forget that a vast majority of the country identifies themselves as Christians, but feel persecuted by the evil, anti-Christian minority. “Happy Holidays” is Satan-speak for death to the infidels! Strangely, a large segment of Christian America seem not to comprehend the teachings of Jeebus. For the record, the Gospels are not and cannot be interpreted to be Pro-Capitalism. They expressly do not condone material wealth but, instead, suggest “giving it all away.”

But, hey, David Brooks, as long as you call yourself a Christian, or healthy, or rich or a Conservative then I guess you are. No wonder conservatives have no problem having “different beliefs” than research scientists. And no wonder a person with a simplistic world view can call himself a columnist.

This must make Brit Hume spin around in Ronald Reagan’s grave!

Of course, we can still have free bananas!

Sure, Herman “Herb” Cain doesn’t know shit from shinola, but he didn’t call himself “Herb”. That was Sarah Palin. And as a fan of the liberal media, I can understand Bill Maher and company attacking Herb for not being the brightest knife in the ice cube tray. Afterall, Herb claims the President doesn’t need to know anything. The President’s job is to lead. He will have a staff of poindexters to keep him informed of countries and branches of government and such. I still think Herb is more articulate than Sarah Palin, and I also think that there are dumber candidates running on the GOP ticket.

For instance, Ron Paul believes the Earth is 6000 years old and that dinosaurs and Moses drank tea together. And he’s a medical doctor! An Ob/Gyn to be specific. Rick Perry and Michele Bachmann also believe great white peepaw in the sky created the earth around 6000 years ago. All of the candidates, with the exception of soon to be Independent Jon Huntsman, have been anti-science, anti-education and anti-brains. 3 of the candidates have stated that God told them to run. Either God doesn’t understand our system of government which doesn’t allow for 3 presidents, or 2 of them are liars. Make that, 3 of them are idiots. And lest we forget, 2 of them believe the comic stylings of conman Joseph Smith.

We can go on about the gerbil sized brains on display at the GOP debates. We can even make exceptions for Rick Perry because clearly alcohol is destroying his noodle. But let’s not only call Herb Cain dumb. And let’s also remember that whomever the candidate is that the GOP nominates, they will still win at least 25 states. Library-free states, but nonetheless.

Now let’s watch Eric Cantor introduce Herb Cain:

Bill Clinton has a new book out explaining how to fix the economy. Specifically, the economy of the 90s when he was President. Of course, there is so much to miss about the 90s, not just budget surpluses but also Alt-Country music. To that end, may I present the reconstituted Jayhawks.

Perhaps, because Mark Olson left his wife, Victoria Williams and subsequently left the Hillbilly Creek Honeydrippers (or whatever they called themselves), he has rejoined his old mates. I still think the Olson-less “Smile” record was the Jayhawks best, but I did miss the harmonies that Olson and Gary Louris (pictured with editor) perfected. Sadly, I don’t think they performed one song off of “Smile” during the set I saw recently. I vowed I would hate the the show if they didn’t do “Take Me With You (When You Go), and since they did the show was a success! Kudos.

Another 90s Icon is making the rounds. Matthew Sweet is touring to promote the 20th Anniversary of his seminal “Girlfriend” album, and performing it from start to finish. “Girlfriend” is another lephilistine essential album, so this show was a must. Sadly, poorly attended by Obesatard, USA. Playing with the Velvet Crush rhythm section, Sweet rocked his Ruebenesque ass off. Still has the chops…with a side of mashed potatoes. Oops.

Here’s another photo taken recently with professional football guy, Chris Hoke. I swear, I’m a normal sized person. Must stop posing with giants.

Speaking of the football, I bet a lot of Penn State players are wishing they had worn swimsuits in the showers. Apparently, former coach Jerry Sandusky had a eye for talent. Known as a brilliant tactician and inventor of the squat thrust, Sandusky was known for his light workouts and his multiple calls to “hit the showers.” He will be missed.

And finally, our hearts go out to the grandchildren of “Family Circus” creator Bil Keane, who died and will now, presumably, be haunting them.

The Latter Day Saints, who apparently are not lead by Drew Brees, have spent a lot of dough trying to convince Americans that they are “normal” people in a national advertising campaign that has “regular” people proclaiming their normalcy and their Mormoncy. They also spent a lot of dough to discriminate against gay people in California, but that’s another story. It’s the normalcy that is again in question.

Katherine “Mitt” Romney took it on the jutting jaw again this week at the Value Voters Summit when Dallas snake handler Robert Jeffress, in professing his love for Rick Perry called Mormonism a cult. I’m sure anyone who attends a Value Voters Summit considers Catholics and Jews cultists as well. By definition isn’t all religion a little cultie? Here’s the definition, since you axed: A relatively small group of people having religious beliefs or practices regarded by others as strange or sinister.

Now I’ve yet to see “Book of Mormon,” so I’m going to reserve judgement on whether or not Mitt’s a cultist. I mean, he does look a little glazey-eyed when he talks about Subway sandwiches. And as NY Times columnist Gail Collins mentions twice a week, he did once strap the family dog to the roof of his car for a family vacation. So what if he believes Jesus lived in Missouri for a spell. I believe Jesus replaced a Centurion’s ear in the Garden of Gethsemane after a skirmish. So sue me.

His fellow Republican presidential nominee (who really is just happy to be nominated), Jon Huntsman is also a Mormon, and his family seems pretty cool. His one daughter listens to The Boxer Rebellion, all 3 daughters drink booze and as far as we know none of them ever married Warren Jeffs. Oops.

So as we head into Primary season, let’s expect the Republican candidates and David Axelrod to do the right thing and focus on jobs, education and, holy shit! a Mormon! Help!

Speaking of help, Mims and I finally saw “Moneyball.” Neither a Bond nor a porno movie, but instead a carefully worded excuse for why the Oakland A’s cannot win a pennant. Blame writer Aaron Sorkin for trying to turn a book about sabremetrics into a heart warming tale of a scrappy underdog who almost reaches his goal.

But here’s the thing about the 2002 Oakland Athletics, they didn’t have the lowest payroll in the Majors by far. They also had the most dominating starting rotation in baseball. Zito won 23 games, Mulder 19 and Hudson 15. Koch saved 44! And even though they lost steroid using slugger Jason Giambi, they still had steriod using slugger Miguel Tejada, who hit 34 homers and drove in 131. They also had Eric Chavez who also hit 34 bombs and drove in 109. Some how none of these players figured prominently (or at all) in “Moneyball.” You’re left with the impression that Billy Beane and young Seth Rogen figured out a super new way to win baseball games with cast offs and rejects!

Speaking of Billy Beane, I kept wondering why the movie never mentioned that he was gay. Turns out he isn’t. There is another former light hitting player named Billy Bean who actually is gay, but has never turned around a struggling franchise with nothing but grit and determination. Also, doesn’t Billy Beane look just like Brad Pitt? Somebody deserves an Oscar. Possibly, Jonah Hill. Seriously.

Finally, I missed the last episode of “Breaking Bad.” Is Don Draper on drugs or something?

Or perhaps the debt of The National, as record sales will drop as people listen to their music for free. You know, the way radio killed the careers of Elvis and the Beatles. Let me just say a hearty thank you to Spotify for letting me listen to the back catalog of Lifter Puller, the new Beirut and new Wye Oak, all of which I intend to purchase. And also for letting me listen to Lykke Li and Foster the People which I do not. Suck it Pitchfork.

I guess I could have used the Spots to listen to the new Wilco, but instead I pre-ordered the special edition plus a t-shirt. Starts out a little like Wilcohead, but then drifts into poppy/alt country “Summerteeth” Wilco. Love it, even if they still wander into German jazz territory. 4 Stars. Bless the kids. All will be right in Jerusalem.

Hey, are you following us on the Twitter yet? @LePhilistine4 please and thank you!

But back to the debt, for a second. Please enjoy the graph below, but don’t attempt to share with your conservatard friends. They will scream “fuzzy math” all the way to their little bus. Print it out and put it on your ice box. It will make you smile as President Romney and his magic underwear declare war on poverty: This Time Poverty Will Be Crushed!

Don’t misunderstand, misunderestimate or Missy Elliot, but our policy is never to judge. We enjoyed Michael Jackson’s transformation from a young African-American male into an older, Korean woman. Made sense. We even encouraged Richard Chamberlain to look more like Gloria Swanson, and by God he did! So is it just us, or does Chaz Bono not-so-slightly resemble future Bart Simpson from the Simpson’s episode where Lisa imagines herself as the President? You decide! And if you think our editorial team was watching “Dancing with the (not really) Stars” instead of MNF, well, …no comment, other than, “Total Wow Factor, Chaz!”

New “album” out on 9/27, the day that changed everything. Pre-order at the webby:

Also, you can “follow” us on Twitter @LePhilistine4. Why the 4? Because some identity thief is already using LePhilistine. A handle I’ve been using since my old CB days! A handle that I use as an homage to Harry Shearer’s Le Show! A handle I use because someone already reserved the domain name of philistine.com and then never used it!!!

As always: Krugman for Prime Minister – Let’s Change Government, Literally!

There were 2 big hits at the Iowa State Fair this year: deep fried sticks of butter and Rick Perry. One of those will leave you feeling dizzy, nauseous and suicidal, and the other is a fucking deep fried stick of butter. What is wrong with Iowans?

For starters, many are pro-ignorance. In a recent survey, only 21% of Iowa’s Republicans “believe” in global climate change. Only 35% “believe” in evolution. And nearly 44% don’t “believe” in gravity. God makes things fall to the ground. Apparently.

Okay, it’s one thing for obesatards (sorry, that’s trademarked, suckas!) to reject the science lessons they couldn’t sit through in high school; hell, they were dreaming of deep frying pencils, spit balls, cute girls, butter, but what about the Texas Goober Rick Perry? How does that Texas A&M Aggie explain his “beliefs” against science.

Perry says that big science has been duping us for years on climate change just to cash in on grant money. Grant money! Ca-ching! The petroleum industry pays obscene amounts of money to scientists willing to disprove climate change data, but the Perrytard thinks the real money is in grant writing.

He also explains away evolution by saying it has “too many gaps.” You know, like a mall. It was easy to laugh at one-time senate candidate Christine O’Donnell when she dismissed evolution by asking why apes aren’t turning into people right before our eyes. Apparently, she never looked at Rick Perry.

What’s next? The obviously “refutable” Laws of Physics? The moonbat theories behind heart disease? The sun really does revolve around the earth? Surely Rick Perry sees the sun rising and setting, not the earth.

This would be amusing if this Low Q didn’t have his finger on the pulse on a whole lot of voters. The same voters who sit slack jawed eating bowls of butter while O’Reilly tells them the unexplainable phenomenon of the tides. “Tides come in, tides go out. Tides come in, tides go out. And no one can explain it.”

Well, scientists can, but who wants to listen to their “theories,” when you can just believe what you want to believe. Hey, look! A floating apple! Suck it, Newton!