ESSAY, Summer 2007

Dateline, America – If you are a naïf that still believes that America is ready to elect as President either an a) Woman b) African-American c) Hispanic d) Mormon or e) a Kucinich, then clearly you have not been paying attention in history class.

Americans love the safe bet, that’s why they play the lottery or the slot machines. It is easy to waste a quarter or a dollar, not so easy to be all-in at $20 grand when you need the flop to be a queen so you’ll have 2 of them. Playing it safe is rooting for the Yankees or the Red Sox, because rooting for any other team means cheering on a semi-perennial loser. If Americans did not love the easy choice then why not pick Sanjaya over the Jordan Sparks? Really, does anyone care who wins a karaoke contest that much?

Just like we do not care who really gets elected president. George W. Bush had a resume that couldn’t get him an interview for the Commissioner of Major League Baseball job and somehow he managed to convince millions of people to vote for him for president. Putting aside feelings of whether or not he was ever actually “elected,” we must admit that people we know, friends and family, our clergy, our bartender, our podiatrist, millions upon millions of Americans went to a polling place and choose to vote for him. No, not Sanjaya. Bush.

So why will McCain be elected when early polls show him trailing both Mitt Romney and his twelve wives and Rudy Guiliani and his twelve divorces? Because when Republicans choose a presidential candidate they always choose the dolt, the dullard or the imbecile. They never choose a pro-choice New Yorker, and, please, they’ll never choose a Mormon. In fact, when Fox and Friends starts talking about how Mormons believe that Jesus lives on a planet in another solar system and broadcasts messages back to Salt Lake City Mitt will stand outside of his hair stylist’s salon and withdraw from consideration.

But is McCain dull or dumb enough to be the Republican nominee? Didn’t he graduate from the Naval Academy? Yeah, so did Montel Williams (Class of 1980) and I don’t see him finishing a Rubik’s cube. McCain is plenty dumb enough to match wits with previous Republican Nominees Bush, Dole, Bush, Reagan and Ford. For God’s sake, he still supports “The Surge”. He still talks about “victory” in Iraq like the Shiites and Sunnis are finally going to sign an armistice. Plus he hired the guy who ran ads against him in 2000 claiming that he and his drug-addict wife had an illegitimate black child. How’s that for smart?

Of course, in a debate of the 10 candidates for the GOP Nomination, McCain was not one of the three who raised their hands to exclaim their disbelief in evolution. All right, so he’s not a complete moron, but have you actually read McCain-Feingold? Yeah, me neither. Still, you should know by now that he actually crashed 2 Navy jets before he was shot down in Vietnam. Hell, even Bush could land the things.

No, McCain will win the hearts and reptilian brains of Republican Primary voters because of his war time experiences and his pledge to keep pouring money into defense. Both Romnoid and Guiliani were draft dodgers, and neither has the balls of Cheney to proclaim that they had “other priorities.”

But what of Fred Thompson? Hasn’t he been nominated for an Emmy or something? No, you’re thinking of Buddy Epson. Fred Thompson has made a film and TV career out of playing Fred Thompson. Which really isn’t that remarkable. Most actors do the same thing. Except Matt Damon. I really believe he is Jason Bourne. But Thompson is such a snoozefest and he’s waiting way too late to get into the game to make a challenge. And if he calls himself the star of “Crimson Tide” and “Cape Fear” one more time, Gene Hackman and Robert DeNiro are both going to punch him in the balls.

So it’s academic: McCain beats Hillary in the electoral college by holding on to the simps of Florida and the hayseeds of Ohio. Mostly because Hillary can only employ the same strategies that Gore and Kerry used to sweet, sweet perfection which is to concentrate all of her efforts on 20 states. That gives McNumbnuts a 30 state head start. Even an old man like McCain driving a Winnebago 20 miles under the speed limit with the left turn signal on isn’t going to blow that lead.

Oh, plus with Richie Rich Bloomberg running as a pro-choice, pro-gay, anti-war Independent, who do you think he’ll siphon votes from? Bingo!

President McCain reporting for duty. God Save the Republic.