Forget for a minute that Sarah Barracuda was mayor of Wasilla, Alaska – population Meth heads, and concentrate more on her role in yet another Bush Policy failure. Abstinence Only! Say what you want about the conservative mantra of saving taxpayers money by eliminating wasteful spending programs, but Team Bush sure poured in a lot of cash into promoting Just Say No to Intercourse! Billions of dollars, actually. Internationally, aid to developing countries was held up until they agreed to spread the word about no more booty calls. Health classes throughout these United States, and perhaps Alaska, taught students not to “round third.” George W. was the third base coach giving the “hold sign.”

So why didn’t it work for Bristol Barracuda and thousands of other teenagers in this country? Well, teenagers, like most Americans, neither approve of or listen to anything George W. promotes. Which is also why we can’t get their pimply faces to join the Army, either.

Kids in Wasilla or Anchorage are no different than kids in Newark, New Jersey, except that they’re whiter and use more Crystal Meth per capita. Even kids of Chief Executives like the Moose Hunter have tattoos (Track has one of Jesus on his calf! – yeah, one for our team!) And they also sometimes succumb to the raging hormones that make an asshole jock with a mullet and a Bullet for my Valentine t-shirt seem like a perfect choice to be your baby’s daddy.

So, yes, let’s not attack Bristol for being a teenager, let’s attack her for being a congregant of the Assemblies of God Church. Holy shit, what a bunch of freaks!

Seriously, Jeremiah Wright, god bless his crazy ass, never said anything nearly as oddball as Sarah Barracuda’s pastor. Not only do Assembly of God preachers want to see the End of Days, but Pastor Frozen Nuts sees Alaska as a safe haven for the true believers. That’s assuming they don’t get called up in the Rapture. Also, they preach about Iraq as a “Holy War.” They speak in tongues, they roll around on the floor and they hate the gays. You know, real Americana stuff.

So, if you’re keeping score at home, the son of an immigrant who earned a Ph.D. and a single mom who also earned a Ph. D., a student of the best schools in America, President of Harvard Law Review, a faithful husband and father of two, an author, a Senator and a well-spoken, thoughtful intelligent leader is less American than a slack-jawed, Moose-eating, Left Behind-listening on tape, baby machine. Only in America! Well, unless Barracuda gets her way and Alaska secedes from the U.S.

Wow, think about that: President of Alaska! Then she really would have to engage in diplomacy with Russia. (Helpful Hint for Sarah Barracuda: look in to Putin’s eyes, you can really SEE his soul.)