(In a continuing effort to appeal to Red State America, President Obama names television personality Paula Abdul to the post of Ambassdor to Iran. The following is a transcript of Ambassdor Abdul’s first address to the Iranian Parliament.)

fotoflexer_paulaThank you. All of you. Beautiful. Like a parrot or, no, what are those red parrots called? Special. Special people. My heart.

President Ahmadinejad. You are a superstar. Your talents. Fan. Big. My country is peace. Jane Lynch loves hummus. I swear. Do you own any neck ties? I’m just speaking. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Magic Johnson once told me a joke. I’d like to share it.

People are you feelin’ it? Baby, you’ve got it. That smile. The children. Please don’t make any more bombs. Okay. Deal? Wait. What? Off script. You have sooooo much talent. You are a superstar.

Flying carpets and Imam Khomeini. Superstar. I had some figs in my bathroom. No. I did. Beautiful. Like sunshine and moon walks and you will be a big star. I love your talent. Emilio. Wait. Let me finish. Wait.

Where am I? Big. Talent. You are an incredible. Sack lunch. Let’s. All. Get along. Okay? Please. I love you all.

Standing o. My heart. God bless and Jesus. Whatev. We are the world too. Sleep now.