John McCain’s thumbs are the Northwest Angle, Minnesota of his limb extension, that is they are the highest point (at least in the continental U.S.) he can hit. Any why is McCain beaming anyway? He admits he doesn’t know much about the economy, he doesn’t know a Shiite from a Sunni from Shinola, he refers to his ATM machine wife as a c-word and he admitted that he doesn’t know how to use a computer. Doesn’t know how to use a computer? This is the man who will lead us during the Information Age? As long as he has his nap.

But McCain has every reason to flash those gnarly choppers, he’s still in this race. Of course, I predicted he’d be our next president a year and a half ago but I thought I was joking. Really? Goose-Iceman-Maverick-Hoss McCain is picking up steam. He is basically running on one issue: racism. But it’s a good one. And the right wing symphony strikes up the band everyday to play a little Chicago Blues, just in case the zombies forget that Mac is running against a black guy.

And poor Obama, God Bless him the next time he sneezes, but every time he tries to remind us that he’s Jeffersonian the media compares him to George and Weezie. Goin’ move himself up to deluxe apartment on Pennsylvania Avenue. Sho’ Can!

As for me, well, I’ve received the endorsement of 80s L.A. punk rock icon and “Blade Runner” replicant, Billy Zoom of the seminal band X. The boys (John Doe, DJ Bonebrake and Billy) reconfigured the band along with Viggo Mortensen’s ex-wife, Exene Cervenka and are touring the world and beyond. In fact, look for them off the moons of Saturn.

Actually, if you get the chance you’ll want to see this version of X. They are only playing songs from their first 4 records and they are only playing them as awesome as they can. And if you forget that they aren’t that much younger than John McCain, it makes the show that much better. Of course, vodka also helps.

On a personal note, though, Billy Zoom stole my Sharpie just after he autographed the Long-Player I brought, theme from “Flashdance.” OMG, I love that record. I like to wear cut-off sweatshirts and pour water on myself. No, actually, he signed his Zoom Hancock on “Wild Gift,” and I’m taking offers on Ebay.

The new CD from The Hold Steady, or as I call them, mommy, I mean, God, comes out on Tuesday, and let me tell you it is clearly the record to beat this year. Incredible! Or as they say en francaise, “Incredible!” When a band has the kiwis to steal a guitar solo from Manfred Mann’s version of “Blinded by the Light” and make it sound shred-a-licious. Pre-order today!!!

See you at the All-Star Game. Go ‘roids!!!!

P.S. I just fixed my exclamation point button!!!