As our Party draws closer to naming our nominee, it has become apparent that that person shall not be me. I am prepared to endorse my opponent. I am proud of the race that we have run; we gave it our all. Except for not getting on the ballot in several states due to arcane party rules and political pressure on the courts to keep me off, we did our best. I have no regrets.

Well, that’s not entirely true. I do regret referring to my opponent as being lecherous. Matters of the heart should always remain a personal issue between a candidate, his family and his mistress. I did not mean to give the incumbent any ammunition to attack our nominee. I regret that slip.

I also regret mentioning the sunken shape of his skull, and pointing out that people with skulls like that are generally of lower than average intelligence. Yes, I brought in doctor friends to write critical reports of “sunken skull syndrome.” These reports claimed that our nominee would not be able to lead our nation let alone tie his own shoes. Listen, those reports were based on the best information available to us at the time! I am not going to apologize for my due diligence. I simply regret going there.

As I regret questioning my opponent’s sexual orientation. I had no proof of transgenderism and should never have shouted that phrase during our debate. Clearly just a heat of the battle declaration. Let’s leave it at that.

Did I refer to our nominee as being dull, lethargic and possibly suffering from erectile dysfunction? I guess I did. However, I believe stoicism is an excellent quality in a candidate, and I am honored to endorse this man.

Of course, I questioned his patriotism. He was my opponent, and like me he chose not to serve with our brave men and women in the armed services. In hindsight, I do not think that makes him weak on terrorism or a supporter of Mexican drug cartels. It makes him focused on the priorities of our country. He is a great man and a trusted friend. I was simply “trash talking” as the urban youth say.

Finally, I want to be clear when I say I retract the statement I made 2 days ago. I do not believe that our nominee will alienate our base. Nor do I believe he will alienate people of color. People of Faith. People of lower socio-economic means. Sentient beings. Nor People of Color. He is our nominee, and he will be great for our country.

That is why I am suspending my campaign for 4 years. Please join me in supporting the man I was once called “an utter failure, a complete disaster, a total buffoon.”